Dear Tell All: I started a new job about a month ago at a company just outside of Madison. I couldn’t believe my luck in getting it and imagined my life taking a turn for the better, with cool new friends and expanding horizons. Instead, I’m miserable and wallowing in self-hatred.
The problem is that the place is huge. I’m not used to working with so many people, and I’m terrible with names and faces. On top of that, I’m emerging as more of an introvert than I ever thought.
Every time I walk down the hall, go to the bathroom, or stop by the breakroom, I’m terrified of running into coworkers. I can’t keep straight who I’ve met and who I haven’t. And I can’t remember what I’ve told to who. So I keep my head down at the risk of seeming unfriendly.
When I do engage with people, I quickly run out of small talk. Working there requires an endless number of quick quips about pop culture, office culture, Madison culture, etc. I’m better at intimate conversations that involve truly getting to know someone—family background, musical passions, politics. But those kinds of conversations don’t happen in the bathroom. I feel like an idiot when I can’t think of a snappy comeback at the sink before a coworker and I go our separate ways.
The solution I’ve adopted is staying in my office as much as possible. I’ve been bringing a thermos of coffee rather than filling my cup in the breakroom. I hold off on going to the bathroom until I leave for lunch, when I can do so in the anonymity of a restaurant. I wait until the last second before heading off to meetings so I can rush down the hallway without talking to anyone.
These measures might sound ridiculous, but at least they prevent me from spending the whole workday in a state of panic. Can I let myself off the hook for feeling like a failure in my new job?
That New Person Down the Hall
Dear New Person: By all means let yourself off the hook. Starting a job can be terrifying in the best of circumstances, and your situation seems perfectly designed to tap into your insecurities.
But letting yourself off the hook doesn’t mean you should stay in your cocoon. If you do, things will never improve. The secret is to get out there gradually, without putting too much pressure on yourself.
After a meeting, approach a friendly-seeming coworker to ask a question or offer a comment. If the interchange goes well, move toward a more intimate conversation the next time you see her in the breakroom or the bathroom—the kind of conversation you’re good at. If you forge these connections one by one, you’ll soon feel more at home.
You hoped to meet cool new friends and expand your horizons, New Person. You can still do so, but not without venturing out of your safe zone.
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