Dear Tell All: This is a response to the guy who signed himself "Who Is Clay Matthews?" — the arts-loving, football-hating, New York Times-reading intellectual who feels out of place in his new neighborhood near the Odana Hills Golf Course (“An Outcast Among the Manly Men,” 9/12/2016). He complains about having to hang out with his male neighbors — the husbands of his wife’s new friends — who hike, kayak, play poker, go to bars, talk sports, fix things and engage in other pursuits he considers off-puttingly masculine.
Here's a question: Have you tried talking to these so-called manly men about any of the things you enjoy? Is it so impossible that some of them might also like some of those things?
I'm a sometimes "manly man" who likes talking sports, hiking, bars and fixing things. I'm also a stage director and actor who likes reading novels, The New Yorker, and seeing shows at Overture (when I'm not performing in them with a surprising number of men and women who like a variety of both "manly" and "unmanly" things...whatever the hell those categories mean).
Perhaps you might consider putting aside your carefully crafted (I assume) erudition and rigid social categories and just attempting to engage with some other human beings (who seem genuinely interested in knowing you) in new and unexpected ways. You might be less lonely. You might also come off as less of a mewling poseur in local advice columns.
Dave in Madison
Dear Dave: I was with you until you called Who Is Clay Matthews? a “mewling poseur.” That’s probably the kind of derisive response he got from jocks and bullies throughout his childhood. No wonder he feels alienated from conventional male culture.
I was hard on Who Is Clay Matthews? myself. I suggested that he pull himself together and make an effort to meet fellow intellectuals and esthetes — a type that’s not exactly rare in Madison. But unlike you, I’m sympathetic to his situation. He’s not “a sometimes manly man,” as you describe yourself. He feels lonely spending weekends with people who don’t understand him — and yes, if you scan his letter again, you’ll see that he has tried talking to his male neighbors about his interests, receiving only blank stares.
As someone who’s comfortable in the dominant culture, Dave, it’s all too easy for you to sneer at a guy who isn’t. Given your interest in theater, I’d recommend rereading A Streetcar Named Desire or The Glass Menagerie for insight into a sensitive misfit’s soul.
Do you have a question about life or love in Madison? Write Tell All, 100 State St., Madison, WI 53703. Or email tellall@isthmus.com.
