The big news this week was that .004% of the nation's population showed up to eat left over Christmas cookies in living rooms in Iowa and choose the next President of the United States. They handed a mandate to the richest man in Bedford Falls or most anyplace else in America, Mitt Romney.
The Mitt crushed Rick Santorum by eight votes, giving Romney the Big Mo going into New Hampshire where he owns approximately half the homes in the state, thereby improving his chances there.
But wait, not so fast. Jon Huntsman lies in wait in New Hampshire, after shocking the political world with his impressive almost one percent showing in Iowa. Huntsman's looking to double that percentage and then look out South Carolina! The Huntsman juggernaut bus is on its way!
Actually, Huntsman is still recovering from his ill-considered tweet this fall in which he said, "Call me crazy" admitting he understands global climate change. Well, they did call him crazy, and he quickly backed off of his support for established science. He's taking no chances in New Hampshire, issuing press release after press release calling for the nation's schools to "teach the controversy" over whether the earth is flat or round.
But the Santorum people were buoyed by his success in Iowa, even though all the Romney campaign headquarters in cities throughout the country are actually outfitted with their own money printing presses, while the few Santorum offices are stocked merely with gallon jugs of holy water and hair shirts. Seems like an uphill battle to me.
Meanwhile, despite finishing a disappointing fifth, Rick Perry went out for a jog carrying a gun and decided to stay in the race, because he believes carrying a Luger while staying in shape is exactly the kind of thing that will play in South Carolina. I am not making this up.
Newt Gingrich is staying in the race so that he can say how much he hates Mitt Romney, and also because no other candidate seems to be addressing the issue of electromagnetic pulse attacks. I am also not making this up.
Ron Paul is moving on because he has nothing else to do, but Michele Bachmann had the good sense to drop out so that she can go back to Congress and act crazy there.
Turning to the sports pages now, the football Badgers wisely rested their defense in the Rose Bowl so that some of the players could be fresh for this spring's lacrosse and badminton seasons. And while it was one thing to lose a second straight Rose Bowl, they had to lose to guys wearing goofy uniforms. Why were the Ducks wearing helmets covered in Reynold's Wrap? Over the last two seasons, the Badgers have lost to the Horned Frogs, who wore purple, followed by the Ducks, who wore galactic. God knows what would happen if they ever had to face lions, tigers or bears.
And both the Rose Bowl and this week's men's basketball game against Michigan State ended with the Badgers poised for a comeback when time ran out. Rumor is that Barry Alvarez will be working for a rule change making every game and overtime two seconds longer.
And backup quarterback Matt Flynn threw for 3,000 yards and 28 touchdowns in the Packers win over the Detroit Lions. His quarterback rating is still being calculated by NFL computers. I don't know about you, but I'm sick and tired of Aaron Rodgers and his measly record setting numbers. But we're stuck with Rodgers now as it's certain that we'll lose Flynn to free agency. We can only hope he ends up with the Chicago Bears where quarterbacks go to disappear.
That's all I've got for now, kids. Have a good weekend.