This week, the UW System Board of Regents approved an extra $118,500 for one month's work for Barry Alvarez.
In addition to his regular duties as the UW's athletic director, for which he is paid $1 million a year, Alvarez agreed to coach the Badgers in the Rose Bowl following the departure of coach Bret Bielema to Arkansas. The Regents also announced that the coach would get another $50,000 if the team wins.
A Regents spokesperson explained that they thought this was fair, because at the time of Bielema's sudden departure, Alvarez had not yet purchased any Christmas gifts, put up the outside lights, or baked a single cookie.
"In addition to doing his athletic director stuff, he's got all those regular holiday obligations, and now this Rose Bowl thing gets dumped in his lap," said the spokesperson. "It's going to be a crazy December for Barry. Who wouldn't deserve another $118,500?"
Inspired by the coach's example, Brenda Siefert of the east side Wal-Mart asked for a raise after being assigned to stock the toy section along with handling cosmetics after the layoff of a co-worker. She also requested a $50 in store coupon if her departments meet their holiday sales goals. Siefert was promptly fired.
Speaking of firing, those innovative North Koreans shocked and awed the world this week by finally succeeding at not blowing up a missile on the launch pad. Experts say that this accomplishment brings them to about where the U.S. was in 1959.
"This is a glorious day for the people of North Korea!" exclaimed Absolute and Most Powerful Beloved Leader Kim Jung-un, named "Sexiest Man Alive for 2012" by The Onion. "Next we will invent the Dick Van Dyke Show and then your McDonald's hamburgers and then psychedelic drugs and free love! And then we will crush you!"
President Barack Obama, cool in a crisis as always, said that he found the North Korean's advance to Eisenhower-era technology to be a provocative move, but that he would not take action until they invented the leisure suit.
And, back to local news, Bishop Robert Morlino has sanctioned two local nuns for sponsoring meet-ups with members of other faiths. Morlino is concerned that the meetings called ominously "Wisdom's Well" spread "indifferentism," which apparently is the dangerous idea that Catholics might not have all the answers. Morlino has broken the little known 11th Commandment here, which is "Thou shalt not coin a really inelegant and stupid word."
Rushing to the bishop's defense was Monsignor James Bartylla who wrote in a letter to the editor in the State Journal that, "it is necessary to protect the reputation of the church."
Now, let me get this straight Monsignor. Your church covered up mass (pardon the pun) pedophilia on the part of priests all over the world, in many cases reassigning them to places where they could continue their child abuse. As a result, your church has had to pay out millions of dollars that could have gone to feed or house the poor and some of your fellow priests have gone to prison. And you feel that "it is necessary to protect the reputation of the church" against the true accusation that you guys are trying to silence a couple of nuns who have the audacity to build bridges of understanding with other faiths. Seriously, man?
That's all I've got for now. Have a good weekend, kids.
