Eric Hamilton
Madison dads, gathering here at Olbrich Biergarten, find camaraderie and support in a new Facebook group.
Chris Matthews was happy to drive from Oregon to the Olbrich Biergarten on Madison’s east side for a late August in-person meeting of a new Facebook group for Madison dads. He used to have to trek to Milwaukee to find other dads to hang out with.
“I can’t tell you how bad the isolation was as a stay at home dad. I didn’t find any dad groups until my daughter was maybe 2 or 3,” says Matthews, whose children are now 8 and 10. “Sitting there at home with no one to talk to was just mind numbing.”
About 10 men show up for the Aug. 31 meetup, a week after a scorching heat wave had delayed the gathering. New and returning members slowly spot one another and pack in together at one patio table, steins of beer in hand.
We introduce ourselves, joking about which of our kids are our favorites. Our children range from just 2 months old — my own newborn daughter — to Matthews’ 10-year-old. Most of the children are not yet in school, where parents typically meet other parents.
Several of the men note how hard it can be to find community as a dad, even as men are more involved as parents than ever before.
“My wife was kind of lucky, as she was the last of all her girlfriends to have kids. So she’s very fortunate that if there’s anything that she’s struggling with in being a mom, she can reach out to her girlfriends and ask, ‘Hey, is it normal to feel this way?’” says Adam Reilly, who has a 6-month-old. “I just feel like I don’t have people I can reach out to like that, so that was my driving force to get involved and make friends.”
Dan Syens, father to a 3-year-old girl, gestures to Tom Rippinger over the table. They met at an earlier gathering, bonding over working from home while their partners take care of their young kids on the other side of the home office door.
“We’re both remote workers still, where you’re not really a stay-at-home parent because you’re not doing all the parenting, but you’re also not really completely out of the house,” says Syens. “I want to help, but I can’t.”
Syens finds comfort in the dads group. “You just know, because you’re in a group of a bunch of dads, this is a topic I could bring up and at least half the table will be like, ‘Oh I have a story,’” he says.
Daniel Morales, founder of the Madison Dad Group, designed the group to meet twice a month, once with kids and once without. The playdates keep it from just being a drinking club, Morales says.
“I know a lot of dads feel — I know I did as a stay-at-home parent — intimidated by mom groups. I think creating a space for dads helps dads feel comfortable with meeting up,” says Morales, who had to miss the biergarten outing but spoke with me later on the phone.
Kii Kasten, whose 19-month-old daughter has been playing with his wife at the biergarten while the dads chat, used to tag along to various mom groups. But he has spent months searching for an active dad group, looking for one that offers space for dads to speak candidly but that also provides the opportunity to model playtime around other dads.
“I wanted…a place where we’re communicating with each other about the needs that our kids have and how to help each other as fathers,” says Kasten.
Tonight, he seems to have found it.
209: Members of the Madison Dad Group
6.2: Percentage of single-dad households in Madison
18: Percentage of stay-at-home parents who are men nationally
87: Average number of minutes American dads care for young kids each day (about half what moms spend)
