I just got back from a brief trip to Ontario. I left Friday afternoon and returned late Sunday. I spent four hours at my destination. I spent nine hours sleeping over two nights. I spent six hours driving. I spent four hours in the Toronto airport. I sat fourteen hours at O'Hare.
Let me offer two pieces of advice.
Never fly United. (I've written about this previously. The airline occupies a circle of hell and needs new management.)
And never fly through O'Hare.
Before you do either of these things, give up your first born child. Or your last born if you like that child better. Give up your sweet little dog. Give up chocolate and ice cream. Vote for Scott Walker. Cheer for the Chicago Bears. Root for the Minnesota Vikings. Forgive Brett Favre. Eat beets. Watch American Idol. Watch a full season of Downton Abbey. Have a tooth extracted without novocaine. Listen to fingernails being scratched on a blackboard on a damp day. Listen to a speech by Michelle Bachman. Listen to Rush Limbaugh. Take a course in advanced calculus. Watch reruns of the 2012 Republican presidential debates. (Not to be confused with advanced calculus.) Read the Wall Street Journal editorial page. Read a column by George Will. Relive the last six weeks of the Brewers' 2014 season. Try to choose between Joel Stave and Tanner McEvoy. Sit through an entire Madison Common Council meeting. Unpack a box that comes with those Styrofoam peanuts. Get around to cleaning that orange stuff in the corner of your shower stall. Try to learn French as an adult. Take up golf. Truly get to understand your cell phone bill. (You should have taken that advanced calculus course.) Try to make Paul Ryan's budget proposals balance. If you've just started having kids, calculate the cost of a college education. If you're just about to retire, contemplate the future of Social Security. Try to find that thing that goes on the faucet next to the whatchamacallit at Home Depot on a Saturday morning. Go around the Dane County Farmers' Market in the opposite direction and feel the contempt in the eyes of the opposing crowd. Run for mayor. (No, that's going too far.)
Yes, do all these things and more before ever again flying United through O'Hare.
