Assembly Speaker Robin Vos
December 1, 2020. In a stunning reversal of fortune Assembly Speaker Robin Vos has been identified as the source of election turmoil in Wisconsin. That is the conclusion of an investigation, ordered by Vos himself, by the Assembly Committee on Campaigns and Elections.
“Gosh, this is embarrassing,” said committee chairperson Ron Tusler (R-Harrison). “But what can I say? The facts speak for themselves. Robin did it.”
In the days following the Nov. 3 election Vos ordered Tusler to use his committee’s subpoena powers if necessary to get to the bottom of voting “irregularities.” Despite the fact that there was no evidence of any voter fraud, Vos pointed to the delay in reporting results from Milwaukee, which came in at about 3 a.m. the morning after the election.
“So, here’s the problem with that,” explained Tusler. “Robin was suggesting that the votes being tabulated into the night was fraud in itself. But our investigation revealed that the late tabulation was only because Robin himself pushed through legislation prohibiting election officials from starting to count mail-in ballots before Election Day. So, if simply reporting the numbers from legally cast ballots into the wee hours of the following morning is fraud, well then Robin is guilty of it. No way around it. I guess you’d sort of have to say ‘checkmate.’”
Otherwise the investigation revealed that local election officials performed remarkably well under incredibly stressful circumstances. They managed a free, fair and accurate process amid record turnout coupled with a pandemic.
“See, here’s another thing that’s sort of embarrassing,” said Tusler. “We keep picking on Dane and Milwaukee counties. Turns out that Milwaukee actually reported its results before Brown and Kenosha counties. And we attacked Madison City Clerk Maribeth Witzel-Behl for her Democracy in the Park idea. But our investigation revealed that it was all perfectly legal. You kind of wish somebody in Ozaukee County would have taken a little initiative like she did.
“And Dane County Clerk Scott McDonell attributed their smooth operation to 'awesomeness.' He might have been joking, but we found his operation to be awesome. We actually used that word. It’s right there in the report. Page nine, I think.”
Vos seemed caught off guard by the findings. “Look, all I wanted to do here was undermine the democratic process and play to the angry, conspiratorial Trump base,” he said. “I thought I was clear with Ron that I didn’t want him to conduct an actual investigation. In fact, when I talked to him about it I used air quotes when I said “investigation.” That’s the problem with all these damn Zoom meetings. Sometimes your hands are out of the frame.”
Asked what should happen now, Vos replied, “Well look, I tarred hard-working and highly competent public servants, I undercut the integrity of a sacred institution of our democracy without any evidence to back it up, I played racial politics by pointing fingers at Milwaukee when I could have just as easily blamed Brown County, and to the extent election night reporting was slow that’s only because of a law I pushed through myself. Considering all that, an honorable person would have to resign. So of course I won’t.”
