Wisconsin Assembly Republicans
Republican state Reps. Shae Sortwell of Two Rivers (left) and Paul Tittl of Manitowoc, decorate a Christmas tree they brought to the state Capitol, which is closed to the public due to the pandemic.
The North Pole — In a brief, but unusually pointed, interview, Santa Claus ripped two Wisconsin state representatives for erecting what he called a “spite tree” in the Capitol rotunda.
“Look,” said an exasperated and obviously strained Jolly Old Elf, “this year has been one big freaking lump of coal, a giant sack of steaming reindeer dung shoved down everybody’s chimney. So, Mrs. Claus, the elves, the reindeer and I have been working double shifts to bring just a little ray of joy into people’s lives around the holiday. And then these two clowns put on this little charade.”
Claus was referring to Republican state Reps. Paul Tittl of Manitowoc and Shae Sortwell of Two Rivers who recently put up a small tree in the cavernous rotunda in defiance of rules requiring a permit for such a display. Tittl and Sortwell insist on calling their decoration a Christmas tree in an apparent attempt to score political points with the Republican base over Gov. Tony Evers’ references to a “holiday tree” in previous years. This year, with the Capitol building closed to the public because of COVID restrictions, Evers decided to spare the public the expense — and he may have hoped the naming controversy — by forgoing an official state tree altogether.
“These bozos want to insist on calling it a Christmas tree,” said Claus. “You know what I call it? A spite tree! They exploited a lovely symbol of peace and good cheer in a dark time to stoke the culture wars. They’re actually hoping that Evers orders it taken down. It would get them on Fox and Limbaugh. They forget that I can look into people’s souls.
“And you know what really pops my cork?” Claus continued. “They made a video of putting up the damn thing and they weren’t even wearing masks. You don’t wear a mask for yourself. You wear it out of consideration for others. To not wear one is to say, ‘Screw you and by the way Merry Christmas!’”
Claus went on to point out that the Chirstian holiday had been appropriated from ancient pagan traditions, that he himself was a mashup of various historic and mythical figures including the Norse pagan god Odin and that even the custom of bringing evergreens into the home was stolen from pre-Chirstian cultures.
“You really want to get back to basics?” asked Claus. “Put the Druids back in Christmas.”
As to the religious meaning of the holiday, Santa said he respected everyone’s own interpretation as long as it involved care and concern for others. “As I was telling people at our Seder last year, I’m strictly ecumenical,” said Claus. “Truth be told Mrs. Claus is a Unitarian. And from what I can tell the elves are mostly Rastafarian, if you know what I mean. Hey, they work hard and we passed a referendum up here at the Pole. It’s cool.”
When asked what he planned for Tittl and Sortwell on Christmas morning Claus was circumspect. “Let me just say that it will be a long night and the reindeer have to take care of business someplace.”
Citizen Dave has been on a satire tear of late. He claims that recent events have been so absurd as to defy serious analysis. He promises to get over it as soon as public officials stop doing outrageously stupid things.
