The Church of Vince

by

I am blessed to announce that I am starting my own religion. It’s called the Church of Vince and we worship the Great God Lombardi.

Each Sunday (but sometimes on Monday or Thursday evenings) from September until, we hope, February, all followers will be required to attend services. Worship will be available in their own homes on a major television network. However, believers may be required to purchase specific cable packages so that they don’t miss a holy day of obligation.

At the halfway point of each service (but sometimes before and sometimes after), our followers may eat of the golden nacho and drink of the cup of fermented beverage.

But in order to be worthy of the nacho and the beverage, the faithful must first confess their sins. Venial sins in the Church of Vince include things such as missing kickoff or worshipping the false gods Buck and Aikman while mortal sins include cheering for the Bears or Vikings. And cheering for a north division rival in a game against the Green Bay Packers subjects one to excommunication.

While my church is just getting started, I hope to have a sea of disciples someday. In the vision that came to me while the sound was down during the commercials of a recent worship service, I see my deacons wearing headsets and sitting in a large room ministering to the masses through telephonic communication and offering them salvation for $19.95 plus shipping and handling costs.

But here’s the thing. The Great God Lombardi died of untreated colon cancer. He might have lived much longer had he submitted to routine screening requested by his doctor so that his cancer could have been detected before it was too late. As it turned out he died at 57.

All praise the Great God Lombardi! He has shown us the way. Therefore, none of our employees at the Church of Vince may have colonoscopies. In fact, it would be a violation of our deeply held religious beliefs to be forced by the government to pay for any cancer screenings for our employees.

So we thank President Trump and his administration for rolling back Obama-era rules that would have forced us to pay for cancer screening and treatment. Well, technically, he only rolled back rules that required employer-provided insurance policies to cover birth control, but the principle is the same. If we can refuse to pay for family planning coverage based on religious beliefs, why not cancer treatment?

The president has struck a blow for religious freedom. Of course, if our followers in the holy call center wish to violate their beliefs and receive the evil colonoscopy, they may do so, but at their own expense.

We trust that many will forgo the cost as we also follow the teachings of the Great God Lombardi with regard to contract negotiations: pay as little as possible.

Thanks to our president we can now look forward to following the Great God Lombardi into a painful early death from a treatable disease. Is this a great country, or what!