Dear Tell All: My husband’s brother recently moved back to Wisconsin from the West Coast, so we see him more often than we used to. As I get to know him better, I’ve found myself looking forward to his visits — maybe a little too much.
He’s younger than my husband and, if I’m being honest, more fun. He has a flirtatious manner, and lately I’ve been flirting back a little bit. It’s nothing overtly naughty, and no one seems to have noticed anything amiss. But I’m writing because I do feel guilty about it. I find him creeping into my fantasy life, and I’ve imagined scenarios with him that I’m not proud of.
I keep going over the options in my mind. Should I start giving my brother-in-law the cold shoulder? Should I try to stop fantasizing about him? Should I go all-in with repentance and confess this dirty little secret to my husband?
Sinning in My Heart
Dear Sinning: I’m a strong supporter of sexual fantasies. In my view, it’s fine to dream up scenarios with your brother-in-law, and you have no obligation to tell your husband about them. You have every right to put up a “Do Not Enter” sign on your imagination.
But it’s fair to step back and reflect when your fantasy life starts impinging on your real life. If your interactions with your brother-in-law have edged into flirting, you need to honestly consider what’s going on and what you want.
Your letter suggests that you’re not entirely happy with your husband, and the flirting with your brother-in-law would appear to be Exhibit A. It’s perfectly fine to want out of an unsatisfying marriage, and I urge you to make a decision on that score. It would raise eyebrows if you ended up with his brother, but as a sage once observed, the heart wants what the heart wants.
If you decide to stick with your husband, though, you’d do both him and yourself a favor by seriously committing to the relationship. And, of course, that would involve knocking off the flirtation with his brother. For your own well-being, some fantasies are better left to the imagination.
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