Dear Tell All: I recently got an outpouring of sympathy when my mother died. My best friends made the trip from Madison to Chicago for the funeral, even though most of them had never even met my mom.
That was a little over a month ago. Since then, I’ve been intensely sad about my mom, to the point where I can barely function at work or in social situations.
Hardest of all has been the lack of support among these same friends. People have invited me to dinner or to parties, but no one has asked me how I’m doing. No one has even mentioned my mom since the funeral. They all act as if I should be back to normal, laughing and chatting as if nothing has changed.
For me, everything has changed, and I wish someone would acknowledge it. I have no partner and can’t manage my grief all by myself.
I feel like screaming at my friends to talk to me about my mother, but that’s probably not the most productive strategy. Or is it?
Shiva
Dear Shiva: No, screaming at your friends isn’t the most productive strategy. But asking for their help in a normal voice could work wonders.
Before damning your friends for being unsupportive, look a little closer. You acknowledge their outpouring of sympathy when your mother died. You also acknowledge their inviting you to dinners and parties since then. My guess is that they’re being supportive in their own way. They’re trying to keep you company and cheer you up without knowing how to engage with you about your mom.
So here’s a productive strategy: Spell it out for them. Let them know exactly what you need in terms of emotional support. Something tells me the people who drove all the way to Chicago to attend a funeral — for a woman they didn’t even know — love you dearly. Many people are awkward on the subject of death, and I bet your friends would appreciate knowing exactly how they can help.
Best of luck, Shiva. I hope you can work your way back to laughing and chatting after coming to terms with your grief.
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