Dear Tell All: The letter writer who's feeling guilty about stealing a notepad in grade school ("Shoplifter's Guilt," 4/1/2011) should relax. That's nothing. I stole an entire couch.
Years ago I "bought" a couch from a local furniture store. The salesperson offered me one of those no-interest-for-12-months deals, which sounded great. Unfortunately, I didn't have my driver's license with me. So the woman filled out half of the paperwork and told me to bring my license in the next day. I did that, but something must have gotten lost somewhere, because I never got charged! It's been about 12 years now and I have yet to see a bill.
I've told this story to a few friends and they think I should 'fess up and pay for the couch. But I figure it was a gift. Most of the time the world kicks you around, but every once in a while your fortunes turn and fate gives you something back: a $10 bill that you find on the street, an unexpired parking meter, or in my case, a free couch. Am I wrong?
Guiltless
Dear Guiltless: I am completely unqualified to answer this question...not because I don't have an opinion or because I don't have a moral compass or because I'm only an intern, covering for the regular columnist, who didn't show up for work today. I'm unqualified because of my own shady past. You see, I was once the world's best shoplifter.
I figured out at an early age that if you acted like you knew what you were doing, people wouldn't question you. So I'd grab a bag of chocolates or a model airplane or even a board game, tuck it under my arm and walk right through the checkout lane. My biggest heist was a Play-Doh Fuzzy Pumper Barber Shop. It was practically as big as I was, but I simply walked out the door with it.
The problem was that I couldn't let anyone else know about my secret stash of stolen toys, for fear of getting in trouble. So I had to play with them alone. It was sad and bittersweet, the way I imagine Bernie Madoff must have felt, rolling around naked in his wads of stolen billions.
Anyway, what about the rest of you louts? Do you think Guiltless should feel guilty?
Email tellall@isthmus.com
