Dear Tell All: My wife and I had our ups and down over 25 years of marriage, but mostly we were happy together. It had never occurred to me to leave her until about a year ago.
A while back I began supervising a new female employee in my workplace. She’s 12 years younger than me, but we hit it off from day one. I found myself laughing and bantering with her — something that hadn’t happened with my wife in some time. She was interested in hearing about me and my life, and I was interested in learning more about her. It felt great to be so engaged with someone. Only then did I realize how much of a rut I’d been in with my marriage.
I was physically attracted to her, too. Our bantering turned into flirting, and I was flattered to think she might also be attracted to me. It made me feel sexually desirable for the first time in a while.
To make a long story short, we started sleeping together. I kept it from my wife until it got really serious. Finally, I realized that the noble thing to do was to end my marriage rather than sneaking around. In my mind, it was the fairest decision for me, for my new partner, and even for my wife. I don’t think she was deeply satisfied in our marriage, either, and a split would give her a chance to start fresh.
What has surprised me is the intensity of my ex-wife’s anger. I knew breaking up wouldn’t be easy, but I didn’t expect her to hate me forever, and to turn all our old friends against me. I’ve tried to be reasonable, but she seems committed to ruining my life in any way she can.
What can I do to put my old relationship behind me and move forward with the rest of my life?
Rational Man
Dear Rational Man: You might be surprised by your ex-wife’s anger, but I’m not. The evidence is all there in your letter.
You start by saying you two were happy together, then insist you were unsatisfied. So which is it?
You also flatter yourself by saying you did “the noble thing” and suggesting that you did your wife a favor by giving her “a chance to start fresh.” For a cheater, you sure seem like a great guy.
Listen, I’m not saying you should have stayed in the marriage. People will always follow their hearts, making messes along the way. But I’d recommend being honest with yourself about the pain you’ve caused. Like so many older men, you left an unsuspecting wife for a younger model.
You’ll never be able to completely “put your old relationship behind you,” Rational Man, because it was a major 25-year chunk of your time on earth. If your ex-wife can’t easily move forward with the rest of her life, it only makes sense that you won’t be able to easily move forward with yours.
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