Dear Tell All: Something weird happened when my wife and I went to her company’s holiday party in December. I was talking to a group on one side of the room while my wife was with someone on the other side. She caught my attention with an uproarious laugh. I looked closer and saw that she was joking around with a good-looking man I’d never seen before. They were obviously very comfortable with one another. Their faces were close together, and at one point she had her hand on his arm. They seemed to be having a better time together than my wife and I have had in quite a while.
I was tempted to ask her about him on the ride home but didn’t want to seem jealous — even though I was intensely jealous. Not long ago, I noticed her work laptop on her desk when she was out walking the dog. She had Outlook open, so I thought, what the hell. I checked her calendar for January and February and saw several lunchtime appointments with “J.” Back on my own computer, I scrolled through the company bios and found a picture of the guy she was talking to at the party. His name is Jacob.
I find it disturbing that my wife has never mentioned this frequent lunch partner. I want to confront her about it, but I don’t know how without feeling like a fool. What should I do?
Boiling
Dear Boiling: The “J” situation seems like a symptom of structural problems in your marriage. Communication has broken down between you and your wife. As a result, she has a separate life you know little about, and you’re reduced to snooping around in her Outlook calendar.
Now is the time to fix what’s broken. Here are the steps to follow:
- Rather than randomly blurting out your suspicions, set a time with her to have a serious talk.
- Start the conversation by confessing your discomfort with what you saw at the party.
- Listen to her side of the story, acknowledging that she has a right to male friends.
- Admit that you checked her calendar and apologize profusely.
- Tell her you want to establish guidelines for open communication.
Of course, these steps won’t necessarily lead to a happy ending. Maybe your wife really is having an affair with “J” and doesn’t want to end it. Maybe she won’t forgive you for rooting around in her calendar. Maybe your relationship is too far gone for open communication.
In that case, Boiling, I suggest splitting up and starting fresh with someone else. And when you do find a new relationship, schedule a daily meeting on your own Outlook calendar, titled “Honest Talk With Partner.”
Do you have a question about life or love in Madison?
Write Tell All, 100 State St., Madison, WI 53703. Or email tell all@isthmus.com.
