Fringe Foods: Erotic confections and The Beer Lube at Naughty Novelties and Bakery

Taking the shortest route to love by the freeway

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You know you've seen it. Whether you're off, pole in hand, to hit the slopes at Cascade Mountain, or looking to get wet at Mt. Olympus, you've driven past it at Interstate speeds. But being in a hurry is a convenient excuse: anyone passing Naughty Novelties Bakery & Adult Gifts in DeForest has probably joked about what exactly makes up an "erotic cake."

Valentine's Day is upon us, and spring has nearly sprung; the season of love has most certainly come. Men are barraged by advertising that thinks the least of their ability to plan ahead or be genuinely sentimental, and women have no route of escape from a chocolate onslaught. Couples are tripping over chateaubriand romantic-meal-for-two offers -- advanced-level foodie romantics choose oysters.

Yeah, there are flowers or pearl necklaces or teddy bears dressed in disturbingly anthropomorphic outfits. There's even the chocolate route; lord knows there are some good ones in town. But for the loving relationship that also has a healthy sense of humor, there are the anatomically-inspired candies made by the Chocolate Walrus.

Naughty Novelties is a contracted retailer of the Walrus' sexual edibles. In their cooler, you'll find a selection of various swimsuit parts: booty, boobs, va-jay-jays, and the Full Monty. They can be purchased in a party tray, or in tubes of individual privates for $12.99. I eyeballed the tubes to be about 9 inches long -- this time, I was right -- with around 20 chocolates per package. At least that was the number of packages per package, so to speak.

I'll grant that not everyone's a big fan of chocolate. First of all, that's okay because at least some of the candies are butterscotch or vanilla flavored; for the record, they're actually pretty tasty as far as butterscotch goes. But if you want something that's more personalized than anonymous boobs and butts, Naughty Novelties has you covered. You'll just have to practice your bedroom eyes for the camera first.

"Bakery" isn't just a word on the side of a corrugated steel building; Naughty Novelties offers customizable erotic cakes. The "erotic" part is up to you, because it only offers a flat sheet cake. Unfortunately, you won't find any lovingly crafted fondant breasts or towering, frosting-draped faux-phalluses here. What you can get, however, is a cake with your smiling face and any other bared body part photo-printed onto the top of the cake.

As long as what's being depicted is legal, Naughty Novelties will take any picture and turn it into frosting art. It's kind of like what Dairy Queen does, except I don't think those pouty DQ lips offer quite the same wide range of services. For $29.99 and at least 24 hours advance notice, your significant other can eat you for dessert. I'd tell you who bakes Naughty Novelties' cakes, but sadly, they don't want the attention for such an adult enterprise. Have thy will, you are the Bakery that dare not speak its name.

But I'm sure the murmur is now audible from many feet away. "'The Beer Lube?' When's he gonna talk about that? And what is it, anyway?" Quite simply, it is what it claims to be. Nothing more or less than beer flavored intimate lubricant, available for $7.99 per Tabasco-sized bottle. The tag line? "Finally you don't have to choose between doing a beer, and doing 'it'." I'd have gone with "Finally, a sexual experience before which you won't have to brush your teeth," but that's just me.

There are six "varieties" of The Beer Lube, but the distinctions only penetrate as deep as the label; the contents all taste the same, for now. Naughty Novelties owner Paul Snyder, inventor of Beer Lube, debuted the product last month at the AVN Adult Entertainment Expo, and tells me that he hopes to offer multiple flavors in the future. With options like "Heinie-Can" and "Whores Light" (think the Brooklyn/long 'O' pronunciation, and you'll get the pun), I'm sure it'll be easy enough to forgive a limited flavor profile.

I'll stake myself to this position: Naughty Novelties is not nearly as seedy as its semi trailer visage might make it seem. Snyder is an ambitious businessperson, and entrepreneurs don't go far by creeping out potential customers or investors. He's made a good alliance with Chocolate Walrus for the certainly goofy, just-tasty-enough confections, and whoever makes the cakes must be reputable enough to worry about what the most prudish among us might think of such an arrangement.

So if your romantic entanglements allow for such well-meaning outrageousness, consider a canister of sweet, sweet, butterscotch cans or a sheet cake decorated with that which happens between the sheets. Throw in an emergency bottle of Beer Lube, and your sweetheart will be assured of a good time even if you put your foot in your mouth. Unless you're into that sort of thing.