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I'm not sure how this happened, but friends, it's out there -- specifically the candified poop of fantastical creatures like angels, reindeer and elves.
Perhaps you yourself have received a stocking stuffer of a snack-sized Ziploc bag of pastel-colored mini-marshmallows labeled "Angel Poop."
Or a packet of red and green M&M's tricked out as "Elf Poop" or chocolate-covered raisins masquerading as "Reindeer Poop." White mini-marshmallows pressed into service as "Snowman Poop."
Possibly because the giver is not sure that the giftee will completely understand the joke, most holiday poop bags come accompanied with a poem. These are generally copied right off the Internet, complete with cute graphics on a nicely designed tag, courtesy of easy-to-use PDFs and your color printer.
The poems range from a basic explanation of why you are getting such a disappointing gift:
You've been bad,
So here's the scoop.
All you get for Christmas
Is Snowman poop!
to the more graphic:
In the cold of winter when snow arrives,
All the snowmen dance and feel alive.
If you follow in their tracks,
You will find little droppings from their cracks.
There's a lot to choose from. There's a veritable Paradise Lost of poop poems out there.
And there's poop from groundhogs (Milk Duds), Cupid (red M&M's), leprechauns (green M&M's, green Tic Tacs or green jelly beans), the Easter bunny (multicolored jellybeans), bats (licorice jellybeans), ghosts (white mini-marshmallows), turkeys (brown, red and yellow M&M's), the Gingerbread Man (multicolored sugared gumdrops), the Grinch (any green candy), and several holiday-themed poops that come from entities that do not, in real life, actually produce poop. For instance, there is "pumpkin poop" (usually candy corn) and "firecracker poop" (red and blue M&M's). What, the idea of "Uncle Sam poop" is too realistic to go there?
Less frequently seen is Santa poop, although it does exist. It is unique in that Santa poop is almost always a pseudo-homemade conglomeration, instead of being a mass-produced candy simply relabeled for use in its new context.
Santa poop is usually adapted from a certain no-bake candy ball recipe that includes cocoa, peanut butter and oatmeal. I also found a reindeer poop recipe that's essentially a chocolate Rice Krispies concoction fancied up with Smucker's caramel dessert topping.
Persistent Googling and a search of newspaper and magazine archives failed to turn up a definitive patient zero for the explosion of celebratory poop. However, the replication of the poems and tags would seem to date from the mid-1990s and the rise of the Internet.
A connection of poop with Christmas and treats, though, actually goes way back. Catalan tradition features a Christmas log orTió de Nadal, also known as Caga tió or the "shitting log." The log supposedly "poops" treats like nougat, nuts and dried figs into the fireplace. (Catalan tradition also features a figure in Nativity scenes, placed far away from the action, who is defecating.)
You have to hand it to the folks behind Hanukkah for never coming up with anything as dumb as "Dreidel Droppings." There are, though, an assortment of edible menorah concepts, ranging from the mostly functional nine cupcakes topped with nine birthday candles, to a most unseasonal asparagus version. It's all quite elegant, however, compared to "I saw him squat, just near this spot/And with a grunt, and with a whoop/He left you with fresh Santa poop!"
We suggest it's high time to clean up this area of giving. Try our heavenly "Angel Halos," snappy "Solstice Bonfires" and utterly clean "Manger Straw."
Manger Straw
The donkey in the manger
Saw the little stranger
But he didn't give a crap
So laid down in the straw
And took a nap.
- 1 bag shoestring potato sticks
Angel Halos
Melt the white chocolate chips in a microwave-safe bowl; pour over Funyuns; cool, bless, and eat.
Angels we have heard on high
Their halos we do witness,
Sweet and salty is this treat
As those know who have bit this.
- 1 12-ounce package of white chocolate chips
- 2 8-ounce bags of Funyuns
Solstice Bonfires
The Roman Saturnalia,
Darkest day of the year.
These little bonfire snackables,
Pair easily with beer.
- Handful of stick pretzels (for logs)
- Handful of cheddar jalapeno Cheetos (for flames)
