Dear Tell All: My aunt just died in her 80s, and my far-flung family returned to Madison for the funeral. This was a very accomplished woman, with an impressive career in business and a lifelong commitment to volunteering and philanthropy. In spite of all that, the main topic of conversation among my family members this week was a notorious incident of marital infidelity in her 40s.
My aunt was a smart, beautiful and adventurous woman, as well as an observant Catholic, like most of my family from that generation. Her husband, I’m sorry to say, had fewer good qualities. If I’m being honest, he was a dull and often unpleasant man. He had an undistinguished career in retail and likely resented my aunt’s success. They married young and, by the time my cousins and I came along, seemed to have very little in common. Who knows why they stuck it out, staying married until he died five years ago. But I wouldn’t be surprised if religion had something to do with it — the stigma of divorce that kept a lot of unhappy couples together in my family’s older generation.
That probably explains my aunt’s messy affair with a business colleague. I was young when the news broke but somehow learned every detail, even though the adults never openly talked about it around us kids. This was a huge scandal in a family that has almost always stuck to the straight and narrow. My own parents were outraged and took my uncle’s side.
Along with everyone else, I was relieved when my aunt decided to return to my uncle and he “graciously” consented to have her back. But she was marked by the scandal for the rest of her life. For decades, it often came up when people talked about her in private, overshadowing her wonderful personality and great achievements.
The same thing happened at the funeral. And now, with an adult’s perspective, I feel more sorry for her than ever. Rather than disapprobation, she deserved our sympathy for being trapped in a loveless marriage. We should have all cheered her on to break free from my uncle rather than falling back on the conventional response: shaming a woman for daring to expect a little romantic fulfilment in life.
These thoughts filled my head at the family gathering, but I kept them to myself. Should I have said something?
Timid Terry
Dear Terry: You clearly wish you had said something. And luckily, you haven’t lost your chance. Now is the time to begin repairing your aunt’s reputation in the family. Spread the word about her great qualities to the younger generation. Speak of her kindly to your own generation. And the next time someone contemptuously brings up the affair, cut them off with your own contempt. Inform them that your aunt deserves credit for whatever happiness she managed to experience in a culture stacked against her.
Do you have a question about life or love in Madison?
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