Dear Tell All: My best friend just got engaged, and I’m kicking myself for not trying to talk him out of it earlier. Is it worth trying to talk him out of it now?
I introduced him to his fiancée, and I’ve seen a side of her that he probably hasn’t. She and I work together, and she has a monstrous reputation in the office. She’s disliked by the people she manages, who find her overbearing and unfair. I’ve seen her in action dressing down an underperforming colleague, and it wasn’t pretty. I can’t imagine her compromising — or even being kind for very long — in a marriage.
She and my friend hit it off from the first time they met at my company’s year-end party in 2017. I probably should have said something when they started dating, but I didn’t think the relationship would go anywhere.
I was increasingly distressed as they became inseparable. It seemed out of line to insult his girlfriend since he appeared to be so happy, walking around with a big smile on his face. Now that they’re engaged, I feel guilty for being a coward.
There’s no wedding date yet, so it’s technically not too late. Should I tell my friend the truth?
Worst Man
Dear Worst Man: Scanning your letter, I see only positive comments about your friend’s relationship. They “hit it off.” They “became inseparable.” He “appeared to be so happy.”
If you’d said “he appeared to be miserable,” I’d urge you to take action. But I agree with your initial impulse: It’s out of line to insult his girlfriend if he’s crazy about her. Trust him to be a grownup and make the right decision for himself, even if it makes no sense to you. I hate to tell you, but his engagement isn’t a manager’s meeting at your workplace; you don’t get a vote.
Plus, you’re on shaky ground judging this woman based on her underlings’ opinions. Forceful women are often disliked in the workplace just for behaving the way a forceful man would. Maybe that underperforming colleague richly deserved to be dressed down.
By this point, Worst Man, your friend surely knows his fiancée better than you do. If he has a big smile on his face, you should too.
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