Dear Tell All: My daughter brought her college boyfriend home to Madison for a visit last summer. She’s also invited him to spend Christmas with our family. My husband and I can’t stand the guy and are wondering about our options.
Our daughter has never had the best judgment when it comes to men, but her current boyfriend is the worst. He’s good-looking — I’ll give him that — but it comes with a cockiness that sets my teeth on edge. From the minute he got to our house last summer, he was arrogant and disrespectful. It showed up in subtle ways, like never saying thank you and never showing an interest in my husband and me. He seemed to expect us to wait on him, which we more or less did out of normal politeness.
He also acted like a know-it-all, offering his tiresome views on everything from politics to sports to movies. Again, we listened respectfully, because that’s how we are. But he didn’t listen to anything we had to say.
The only thing I’ll admit is that this guy truly seems to like our daughter and treats her reasonably well. She’s also crazy about him, and I wouldn’t be surprised if they stayed together after college.
That’s a frightening prospect to my husband and me, but the more immediate problem is Christmas. We love our daughter, but can we suggest that she not invite her boyfriend to our house? Should we tell her how we feel about him? If he ends up coming, should we confront him about his rude behavior?
Not Your Servant
Dear Not Your Servant: If you love your daughter, and you want her to keep loving you, you shouldn’t suggest disinviting her boyfriend for Christmas.
For the same reason, you shouldn’t tell your daughter how you feel about her boyfriend. If his behavior rose to the level of dangerous, sure, you could say something out of concern for her safety. But here, we’re simply talking about a difference of taste. You’ve never approved of her boyfriends, Not Your Servant, but she’s allowed to like who she likes. You admit that he treats her well, and that matters a lot more than your personal feelings about his manners. Besides, he’s just a college kid and may well mature into a solid citizen.
What you can do is stop waiting on this boyfriend and nodding along with his opinions. There’s no reason to be masochists in your own home. But I would encourage you to stay on good terms with him if possible. If he becomes a fixture in your daughter’s life, you don’t want to torpedo the relationship at this stage. In that case, the people cut out of her future may well be you and your husband.
Do you have a question about life or love in Madison?
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