Dear Tell All: I own a Madison company with under 30 employees, most of whom have been with me for a long time. But this year I hired a new executive assistant who’s younger than most of us — and, I admit, sexy. I noticed her good looks when I interviewed her and was amazed by what she wears to work: skirts that fit tightly against her long legs, blouses that show off her ample boobs, and black heels so high and shiny they almost count as fetish-wear.
After a couple months, a curious dynamic began when the two of us worked alone together in my office. She made a surprisingly dismissive comment about me while hovering over my desk and staring into my eyes. It was insubordinate, but also so erotic that I almost lost it. She must have noticed my swooning reaction because she’s continued making such comments to this day. I’d probably fire any other employee who spoke to me like that, but with her the role reversal — she the dominant, me the submissive — is so titillating that I can barely focus on work when she’s around.
I’m trying to work through the ethical implications here. Given the particulars, I can’t see that I’m doing anything wrong. A) I’ve had no physical contact with my executive assistant and am remaining faithful to my girlfriend. B) I’ve said absolutely nothing sexual to her. C) I’ve given her no preferential or discriminatory treatment. D) If anything, she’s the one who’s flirting with — or harassing — me.
Is there any harm in continuing with these pleasurable encounters?
The Boss
Dear Boss: I’m glad that you’ve worked through the ethical implications, but horrified that you’ve come to all the wrong conclusions.
I can’t believe I have to explain this in the #MeToo era, but here goes:
- You can harass a woman without touching her.
- It doesn’t matter if you’ve said nothing sexual to your executive assistant. You’re clearly engaging in sex play in the office environment.
- You may not have given her preferential or discriminatory treatment yet, but you’re creating a situation that makes it highly likely. What if you two get more wrapped up in your S&M and she makes demands? What if the relationship turns sour? What if your girlfriend finds out? It’s hard to believe you could act with the proper managerial detachment in any of these scenarios.
- She’s harassing you? You’re the boss, Boss, so you’re the one responsible for this mess. You clearly allowed it to happen.
You don’t have many good options at this point. The best thing you can do is stop your sleazy behavior and begin acting like a professional. If your executive assistant demands an explanation, apologize to her and make it clear that from here on out your relationship will be office-appropriate. If she threatens to report you to the Wisconsin Equal Rights Division or your girlfriend — well, you have no one to blame but yourself. Your next act of submission may well be in front of a judge.
Do you have a question about life or love in Madison?
Write Tell All, 100 State St., Madison, WI 53703. Or email tell all@isthmus.com.
