Dear Tell All: I’m in my early 30s and haven’t had a serious romance in forever. I’ve had meaningless sexual encounters, but those long ago lost their charm. I’m ready for a relationship that truly satisfies my emotional needs.
The problem is that, whenever I actually like a woman, I get tongue-tied. I feel the pressure to say something funny, or fascinating, and instead I trip all over myself. My jokes fall flat; my stories meander; my witty comebacks stall in mid-delivery. In other words, I choke, and I feel the woman’s attention drifting away.
I’m worried this pattern will repeat itself on New Year’s Eve. I’m going out with a bunch of mostly unattached friends. One of them is a friend of a friend I’ve met a couple times before. She seems wonderful — intelligent, well-spoken and playful — and I know she’s not involved with anyone. I’d love to get to know her better when we go out with the group, but I’m afraid of sabotaging myself in the usual way. I’m certain she’d like me if she got to know me — in other words, if I could just get past the bad impression I always make.
More than anything, I’m dreading another romance-free New Year’s Eve that sets the tone for another lonely year ahead. How should I handle this scary situation?
Mush Mouth
Dear Mush Mouth: Step one is to stop thinking of it as a “scary situation.” Anxiety seems to be the heart of your problem, causing missteps whenever you’re around women you like. They surely pick up on your fear — and fear is not an aphrodisiac.
So before New Year’s Eve, step one is to calm down with whatever methods work for you: yoga, meditation, self-help books, heart-to-heart talks with friends, etc. Instead of seeing New Year’s Eve as a scary situation, think of it as a magical evening rife with possibility.
Step two is to prepare for this social event the way you’d prepare for a job interview. Do your research, asking your mutual friend about this woman’s likes, dislikes, personal and professional background, etc. Then come up with a set of questions, talking points, and even witticisms that will help you smoothly start a dialogue with her. Write them down and practice them if you have to. It will feel a bit silly, but your thorough preparation will spare you the anxiety of producing sparkling conversation-openers on the spot.
Once the interaction gets rolling, Mush Mouth, you’re golden. You can let this woman see your true self — the one you know she’ll like. Cue a wonderful New Year’s Eve and an even better 2019.
I know you can do it! The only thing you have to fear is fear itself.
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