Dear Tell All: I’ve always had a vivid imagination and am very sexually oriented. Even when I have a steady girlfriend and a satisfying sex life, I can’t help fantasizing about other women I meet, other women I know and other women I work with.
I imagine what they look like with no clothes. I imagine being in bed with them. I imagine a wide range of titillating scenarios.
I’m good at compartmentalizing. I can fantasize about a coworker in a meeting and still treat her with the utmost professionalism. I have never acted inappropriately with women other than in my head. Just the opposite — I’m shy and reserved, with a strong sense of propriety.
I’m writing because of a distressing conversation I had with a group of close friends. We were letting our guard down and talking about all sorts of intimate subjects, and I told them about my rich fantasy world. Some of my female friends reacted violently and criticized me for viewing women as sex objects, especially in the workplace.
I didn’t argue with them, realizing how bad my defense would sound in the age of #MeToo. But what am I supposed to do — stop fantasizing?
Dreamer
Dear Dreamer: No, you don’t have to stop fantasizing. Judging from your letter, I doubt you could stop even if you tried. There’s nothing wrong with thinking about sex as long as you don’t harm anyone or act inappropriately.
Where you erred is discussing your fantasies with female friends who could be justifiably offended by them. As you learned, many women don’t want to hear about men viewing them as sex objects. Being a man in the age of #MeToo requires sensitivity in the way you act and talk around women. In this case you fell short, and I’m glad you didn’t try to defend yourself.
That’s not to say your fantasies are indefensible, Dreamer. It’s to say that you should keep them to yourself in most situations. In other words: Stick with compartmentalizing.
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