Dear Tell All: I’ve been happily involved with a lovely woman for most of the year, and things are beginning to get more serious. We sleep at each other’s places most nights and have met each other’s families. She’s a strong, independent type who supports women’s causes and speaks eloquently of women’s oppression. That’s why it shocked me when she recently had plastic surgery.
It all happened without my knowledge. I was on a longish trip and came back to Madison to find her looking different: tauter skin on her face and weird eyelids. I felt awkward saying anything, so I waited for her to bring it up. Which she never did.
I always considered this woman beautiful in her own way and am sad that she felt the need to reshape herself to some other standard of beauty. I’m also sad for myself. I hate the whole idea of plastic surgery, and I hate how it looks. I find that I now avoid looking at her face, both in conversation and in the bedroom. It’s kind of a gross-out thing, especially when I picture the surgery in my mind’s eye.
I also find myself rethinking our future. What other off-putting procedures might she undergo down the road without my knowledge? If we were to stay together, isn’t it a decision I should be part of, given our physical intimacy?
As Is
Dear As Is: If you’d been listening more closely to your partner’s eloquent comments about oppression, you’d know that women deserve control over their own bodies. It’s her decision to make, no matter what you think of it. Whether she lets you in on it is her call, too.
I’m not saying you need to like her plastic surgery. That, of course, is your call. If it’s reason enough to end the relationship, so be it.
But here’s what I wish for you, As Is: an honest discussion with your partner about what’s going on. If she’s shy about bringing it up — for understandable reasons — you should do it as sensitively as you can. Hopefully you’ll come to understand and love each other all the more. I’d hate to see a promising romance come to an end over eyelids.
Do you have a question about life or love in Madison?
Write Tell All, 100 State St., Madison, WI 53703. Or email tell all@isthmus.com.
