Dear Tell All: My daughter just graduated from UW-Madison, and now she’s moving to Chicago for graduate school. My husband and I paid her undergraduate tuition, but she’s on her own from now on. Though I expected her to get a little nest egg from graduation presents, it turned out to be much less than we expected. There were a few checks from relatives and friends, but most people we know ignored the occasion.
Granted, we didn’t throw a big party or send out graduation announcements. To me, those announcements always seem like a crass way of saying “send money.” And in terms of a party, my daughter preferred an intimate gathering with our family and her closest friends. Still, I expected her to receive presents from a wide range of people, given that we’ve given their kids graduation presents over the years.
What’s the deal with people accepting money from us and then not returning the favor? It seems like a breakdown of the social contract. Aside from that, it’s just hurtful to my husband and me. My daughter scarcely noticed — kids never pay attention to stuff like this — but I’m having trouble getting over the insult.
How mad should I be, Tell All? I’m toying with the idea of distancing myself from these “friends.”
Forgotten
Dear Forgotten: Your friends’ behavior is definitely uncool, but I wouldn’t go so far as to say it represents a breakdown of the social contract. In some cases it could simply be carelessness. You didn’t have a party or mail out graduation announcements, which are often the prompt that people require to send a gift. In their absence, your friends just forgot to do their duty. As I say, uncool, but probably not a cause for ending a relationship.
It would be a shame if your daughter’s graduation were a cause for anything other than joy, Forgotten. While I understand your hurt feelings, I’d suggest rising above them and focusing on what’s most important: getting your daughter off to a good start in Chicago.
When she’s all settled, you can take stock of your friendships. If you’re still inclined to end them over $10-$100, they probably weren’t worth much more than that anyway.
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