Dear Tell All: The world was a different place when I went to high school in the 1980s. Even in liberal Madison, I remember no gay people in my class who were out of the closet. Some of the guys suspected of being gay were verbally harassed — including, to my shame, by me.
Nowadays, the schools take an active stance against bullying, as I know from my own kids. But back then it was easier to get away with. I wasn’t the bullying type, but I sometimes went along with it just to fit in. In other words, if you stood up to your gay-baiting classmates, you were in danger of being ostracized yourself.
That’s how I found myself as a squeamish participant in harassing two boys everyone assumed were gay. They were different from the macho jocks who set the standard for masculine behavior, so they were teased. One of my best friends — a good guy who nevertheless shared the era’s prejudices — usually said something snarky when we passed them in the hall. I never said anything myself, but I did laugh along. I’m sure the two boys dreaded seeing me and my friend coming toward them.
One of them still lives in Madison. I see him occasionally and have always tried to avoid crossing his path or making eye contact. In my mind, my avoidance behavior was for his benefit. I didn’t want to subject him to unpleasant memories of encountering me in the school hallways. But recently, I’ve admitted to myself that I avoid him for my benefit. I’m a coward who doesn’t want to own up to what I did to him.
So what should I do now? Should I approach him in person or on social media to apologize? Or would that just lead to an unpleasant scene and make both of us feel even worse?
Reformed
Dear Reformed: I deplore what you did in high school, but I admire you for facing up to it. That’s called growth.
At the moment, you are only facing up to your sins privately, and that does nothing to help your classmate. The next marker along your path to redemption is to apologize to him. Do it however you like, whether face-to-face on the sidewalk or through a direct message on social media, but by all means do it.
Yes, Reformed, your gesture might lead to an unpleasant scene. The person you bullied might snub you or yell at you, as is his right. But it also might be a small step toward healing for both of you.
Obviously, the chances that your continued silence will lead to healing are zero.
Do you have a question about life or love in Madison?
Write Tell All, 100 State St., Madison, WI 53703. Or email tell all@isthmus.com.
