Dear Tell All: I had a lousy childhood, with an absent father and a mother who clearly regretted having kids. My troubled family life included never-ending arguments, insults and physical abuse (quaintly known as “spankings”). I made an early exit from home as a teenager and tried hard to heal my psychic wounds. My girlfriend of the past two years has been an angel of mercy, nursing me back to mental health and offering the prospect of a happy future. She’s shown me what it’s like to be loved, and I’ve learned to love her in return.
We’ve talked about getting married, but there’s a sticking point. She wants children, and I don’t.
My girlfriend grew up in a loving household with lots of siblings, all of whom she’s still close to. By contrast, I’m an only child with no fond memories of family life. It’s obvious why each of us feels the way we do about having kids, and neither one of us is inclined to compromise.
We’d been skating along without seriously confronting the issue, but my girlfriend has now thrown down an ultimatum. She says she doesn’t want to continue the relationship if there’s no chance of having children.
Where does that leave me? I don’t want to lose a one-of-a-kind woman, but I also feel sick at the thought of bringing a child into this cruel world.
Orphan
Dear Orphan: At the risk of giving you advice that might ruin the rest of your life, I’ll go out on a limb here. Marry this woman and have a child.
It’s true that you might hate being a father as much as you say. But your letter makes me think it might be the best thing that ever happened to you.
Let’s look at the evidence. Your girlfriend has shown you what love is, and you’ve found yourself capable of reciprocating. That’s a remarkable development for someone with your background, putting you way ahead of your parents in terms of emotional maturity. It suggests that you might be a great father.
It also suggests that you might enjoy fatherhood more than you expect. Imagine an even deeper bond with your girlfriend. Imagine someone else to love as much as you love her. If you’re looking to heal your psychic wounds once and for all, this may be a step in the right direction.
You know your own heart better than I do, Orphan, so take this with a grain of salt. But if you really don’t want to lose a one-of-a-kind woman, agree to have kids and keep her. There’s no need to worry about bringing a child into this cruel world if you’re determined to make it a wonderful world instead.
Do you have a question about life or love in Madison?
Write Tell All, 100 State St., Madison, WI 53703. Or email tell all@isthmus.com.
