Dear Tell All: My husband likes putting on my pantyhose and then going out to bars. It drives me crazy. I mean, those things aren't cheap! What's a girl to do?
A Little Chilly in the Cold Weather
Dear Chilly: Girlfriend! If your husband gets a stiffy out of hitting the bars in your pantyhose and the only thing you're worried about is how much they cost, then you've just saved me a whole lot of time. I can skip all that boring stuff about whether it's appropriate for men to wear women's clothing, whether you can trust your spouse to go drinking without you, and how to keep a raging erection from ruining the classic lines of a poodle skirt. (If you must know: yes, yes, and duct tape.)
Straight men can't tell the difference between cheap and expensive nylons any more than they know the difference between taffy and taffeta. And I'm assuming that your husband is straight, otherwise...well, that's a completely different column.
So get your keister down to Target and buy the cheapest nylons you can find. Your husband will never know the difference. I found a package of L'eggs Silken Mist pantyhose there for $3. They also have two-packs of Hanes Sheer Basics for $5.50. Both are control top, so they'll support and tone his tender tummy. If you don't particularly like your husband, you could go down to T.J. Maxx and get him some irregulars, which should be even cheaper.
Unless he's planning on pulling a pair over his head and robbing a bank - an occasion when quality actually does matter - I think any of those options would work fine. Have you ever done that, by the way? I mean pulled a nylon over your head, not the robbing-a-bank part. I'm slightly embarrassed to admit that I have. And I have to add that it hurt like hell. In fact, it brought back long-suppressed memories of that traumatic day that I first entered this world. Something as big as your head simply isn't meant to be squeezed through an opening that small.
Anyway, I usually don't suggest keeping secrets from your spouse. But when it comes to sharing your nylons with hubby, buy him some crap and save the good stuff for yourself.
Do you have a question about life or love in Madison? Write Tell All, 101 King St., Madison, WI 53703. Or email tellall@isthmus.com.
