Dear Tell All: My son has always been introverted, with deep-seated social anxiety. He’s had the same two friends since second grade and has clung to them for dear life. His fear of leaving home for college actually began in elementary school, believe it or not. Whenever the subject came up, he’d express his terror of that faraway day.
His college career is not far away anymore—it’s supposed to start this month, at a small liberal arts school a thousand miles east of Madison. My husband and I always hoped that, as our son matured, he’d make his peace with going off to school and maybe even look forward to it. But that hasn’t happened.
Just the opposite: He’s becoming more panicked by the day. He recently upped the stakes by begging us if he could skip college this year. He threw out multiple options, from taking a gap year to foregoing college altogether for a coding job.
I’m conflicted about what to do. It troubles me to see him so unhappy, which makes me think I should cancel our plane tickets out east. On the other hand, it also troubles me to think of what he’d miss. Other kids his age would be making new friends, learning new things and blossoming. Assuming he could get a coding job at his age, he’d just be sitting in front of a computer and going nowhere.
My husband and I have always erred on the side of letting our son off the hook when he can’t deal with something stressful. Should we let him off the hook this time?
Helicopter-ish Parent
Dear Helicopter-ish Parent: Don’t let him off the hook. You’re treating your son as if he’s a rare flower, when in fact he’s just experiencing the doubts of any kid on the verge of college. Most of them end up loving it, and there’s a good chance he would, too.
Plus, what message would you be sending if you allowed him to bail out in August? He went through the application process and chose a college; you and your husband put down a deposit and bought plane tickets; and at the last minute he gets to say “never mind”? You’d be teaching him that it’s okay to give in to fear and reverse a year’s worth of careful planning.
Don’t live up to your name, Helicopterish-ish Parent. Tell your son to pull himself together and give college a try. If he’s an emotional wreck after a semester or a year, you can revisit the issue. But my guess is that your introvert has a better chance of coming out of his shell if goes to college than if he lays low at a coding job. All it will take is a firm parental push.
You can do it!
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