Dear Tell All: My son started college this year at one of those small Midwestern liberal arts schools everybody loves. My husband and I thought it would be the perfect nurturing environment for him, as a kid who always had trouble fitting into a group in high school. This college seemed like a readymade community: small enough that he could easily make friends and feel part of campus life.
It hasn’t worked out that way. For starters, he didn’t bond with his roommate, an outgoing go-getter type who’s the polar opposite of my shy son. He claims not to like anyone on his dorm floor, and he insists that his classes are boring. His main interest is art, but he couldn’t get into an art class in either first or second semester. So he’s stuck taking required courses like language and math, two of his least favorite subjects.
In his texts and calls home, my son constantly begs us to let him drop out, or at least take a break from college. We’ve tried patiently suggesting that he “stick it out a little longer,” but his pleas have grown more intense since second semester started. He’s even laid out a plan: He will come back to Madison, work at a minimum-wage job, and share an apartment with his best friend. The friend is a fellow artist who put off going to college and is himself working at McDonald’s while pursuing his art. This lifestyle looks glamorous to my son, probably because he’s never had to work at a mind-numbing minimum-wage job.
Obviously, my husband and I don’t approve of this plan. But can we in good conscience force him to stay at a place he passionately hates? Now that he’s 19, do we even have a right to insist that he stick with college just because we want him to?
Wit’s End
Dear Wit’s End: Given that it’s just the start of second semester, I’d counsel you to take a chill pill. Your son isn’t the only freshman who feels alienated right now. The first semester of college is notoriously hard, and second semester tends to go much better. There’s still a decent chance your son will come home happy in May.
I think you should stay the course with your strategy of calmly telling him to “stick it out a little longer.” Do everything you can to encourage him to at least finish the first year. That will give him a few months to turn things around — or, failing that, will provide stronger evidence that he really shouldn’t continue at his current school.
If he still insists on taking time off at the end of second semester, you should counsel him as best you can but also consider letting him have his way. Working at McDonald’s while pursuing his art might be a bad idea, but sometimes teenagers have to make their own mistakes. There’s also the possibility that it’s a good idea for him at this particular moment. If he’s truly not ready for college, forcing him to go won’t be in anybody’s best interests.
Good luck, Wit’s End. Whatever your son ends up doing, take comfort in the fact that he can always change course if things don’t work out. That’s the beauty of being 19.
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