Dear Tell All: I completely disagree with your response to "Regrets Only," the mother of the bride who complained about inappropriate dress on the groom’s side (“Sloppy Dressers at My Daughter’s Wedding,” April 22, 2019). You suggested “getting over your disappointment” about sloppy dressers at the wedding and not obsessing “about something as trivial as athletic shoes and T-shirts.”
To allow people to attend formal occasions in the most casual attire is to nullify the distinction between formality and informality. Formal occasions are different from everyday occasions, and acknowledgment of that difference is one of the building blocks of civilization. People who agree to attend a formal occasion are thereby agreeing to acknowledge the formality of the event by dressing up, at least to some degree. Failure to do so can certainly be noticed and regretted by those who organized the event or have a significant stake in it.
Regrets Only was absolutely justified in feeling some annoyance at the wedding attendees who just couldn't make the slightest effort to show that the event was in any way more important than, say, getting your oil changed or taking your dog to get groomed.
You are wrong to tell Regrets Only that she is being a snob about this. It is in no way snobbery to hold the position that people should make some effort, no matter how slight, to indicate their respect for others on certain occasions. Would you pick your nose in front of your favorite musician? No? Why not, if you feel that anything goes? Behavior includes attire, because what you wear involves making a choice. This is not a question of snobbery; it's a matter of civility.
We're not talking about some impromptu occasion. These are formal events that involve advance notice, organizational planning, effort and expense on the part of others and, in many cases, considerable travel. To say that Regrets Only is "looking down on rural folks' clothing" without acknowledging the context of a formal occasion is, in fact, distorting the situation. Context matters.
Citizen
Dear Citizen: I didn’t tell Regrets Only not to be annoyed by the sloppy dressers at her daughter’s wedding. In fact, I said just the opposite: “I can’t tell you not to be disappointed. You put a lot of effort into your daughter’s wedding, and you feel how you feel.”
Unlike you, however, I don’t believe Regrets Only should hold fast to her disappointment. Do you really think it’s healthy for her to keep resenting her son-in-law’s family because they didn’t dress up for the wedding? Do you really think a long-term grudge in the best interests of familial relations?
We can argue about the meaning of snobbery, but my larger point is that Regrets Only should move past her negative feelings and focus on what really matters: the fact that both she and her in-laws wish the best for the newlyweds. If your vision of “civilization” favors condemnation over compassion, then I, for one, want no part of it.
Do you have a question about life or love in Madison?
Write Tell All, 100 State St., Madison, WI 53703. Or email tell all@isthmus.com.
