James Heimer
In late 2015, Mitch hit a new low. On this night, he came home late from being out with his friends after a stressful workday. His wife, Sarah, who was three months pregnant, asked why he hadn’t come home earlier. She threatened to leave him. An argument ensued, and Mitch shoved her to the ground.
“I told her I was trying to make her have a miscarriage,” Mitch recalls, admitting this was an escalation of the emotional abuse he had been heaping on Sarah for years.
“I called her names and cussed at her all the time. I was physically intimidating. Like during an argument, I would wind back and act as if I was going to punch her. I never did but that’s just as bad.”
He says he would also threaten to hurt or kill himself and that he would give Sarah the silent treatment.
“I would just leave for hours to make her worry about me.... The abuse increased over time.”
Both Mitch and Sarah’s names have been changed to protect her privacy.
On the night Mitch threw Sarah to the ground, the police showed up, arresting Mitch for domestic abuse. And Sarah packed her bags, moving out of state to be closer to her family for the rest of the pregnancy. Mitch was facing jail time and on the verge of losing the woman he loved just months before he would become a father.
Then his defense attorney threw him a lifeline. “He asked me if I thought I was abusive and if I wanted to get help,” says Mitch. “I told him I did. He said he knew the perfect guy and referred me to Darald.”
Darald Hanusa runs the Alternatives & Treatment for Abusive Men (or ATAM), developed at the Midwest Domestic Violence Resource Center. In just a few weeks, Mitch will have completed the yearlong batterers treatment program.
“It was a lot of looking in the mirror for the first time and seeing how I react in situations,” says Mitch. “I had to go through all of my past behavior, and it was eye-opening. My pride got in the way of me seeking help earlier, but I really should have.”
In Dane County alone, 3,500 arrests for domestic abuse occur annually. However, it is estimated that less than a quarter of domestic violence incidents are reported to police. One in four women will be a victim of domestic violence at some point in their lives, according to the Center for Disease Control’s Division of Violence Protection.
But a new effort is underway to prevent domestic violence in the Madison area. A joint effort by the Abuser Treatment and Monitoring Subcommittee and Youth Issues Subcommittee, part of Dane County’s Commission on Sensitive Crimes, is planning to launch a first-of-its-kind campaign in October 2017. It shifts the focus from providing services to the abused, who, in most cases are women, to getting help for those who abuse, in most cases men.
“Around the whole country, there has never been a campaign that directly targets abusers who are not currently in treatment. But so many could benefit immensely from it,” says Hanusa, who is a member of the abuser treatment subcommittee. “We can’t build enough shelters to take care of all the victims of domestic violence. We just can’t. At some point, we have to go upstream.”
Teri Varney — a domestic violence counselor at Family Service Madison and also a member of the committee — hopes the campaign gets abusers “to recognize they are hurting themselves, their relationships and their families.”
“What’s different about this plan is that it’s preventive. We need to be reaching people before they get into criminal justice system,” she adds. “The people who want help but don’t know where to get it or the kind of help they need.”
Domestic abuse is a pattern of coercive behavior used by people to control their partners. It’s not random. It’s not accidental. And it takes many forms.
“The physically violent guys are less sophisticated. They control through physical intimidation so you know exactly what to expect from them,” says Varney. “It’s the guys who are much more calculating that are scarier. The ones that don’t hit but control through every other means.”
Carolyn Fath
“At some point, we have to go upstream.” — Darald Hanusa
According to Hanusa, the behavior is typically only directed at intimate partners. “It includes emotional abuse. Verbal abuse. Physical abuse. Sexual abuse. Financial abuse,” says Hanusa. “It’s specifically designed and targeted to control her so he can get what he wants.
Hanusa’s use of pronouns is intentional. The majority of abusers are men with female partners. Domestic abuse also occurs in LGBTQ relationships where a lack of reporting is common, according to the annual report of the National Coalition of Anti-Violence Programs. The county’s new campaign is focused on bringing heterosexual men into treatment. There are just far more opposite-sex couples and, within that population, the vast majority of abusers are men.
Patricia Hrubesky, director of the Deferred Prosecution Unit, says when women are charged with domestic abuse, the dynamics are “much, much different.”
“With men, the abuse is commonly about power and control. With women, it’s more of a dysfunctional response to their own experience being victimized. We don’t see women trying to control the finances, the [partner’s] movement or the kind of jealousy we see with male perpetrators,” says Hrubesky, one of the criminal justice professionals on the abuser treatment subcommittee. “Not to say it doesn’t happen, it does. Just not predominantly.”
According to Hrubesky, offenders entering into deferred prosecution agreements also “by and large” don’t have a record of other criminal behavior.
“I’ve seen some domestic violence offenders that have a hard time holding onto a job because they get into conflicts,” says Hrubesky. “But especially with violent behavior, it is typically contained within the home.”
Can abusers change with treatment? Hanusa says yes.
Several years after they started dating, David was arrested for driving dangerously with his girlfriend, Melissa, in the car. He put both their lives at risk just to frighten her, which David admits was an attempt “to take control over [Melissa’s] thoughts and feelings.”
David recalls that he was arguing with Melissa and began to feel overwhelmed with anxiety and fear. “I wanted control over the situation, and in this case, I had control of the car,” he says. “I used to it to assert power that I didn’t really have.”
Melissa contemplated leaving David. To allow the couple to speak freely, their first names have been changed and last names withheld.
After pleading guilty to domestic abuse for his reckless driving, a judge ordered David to complete Hanusa’s program. “It was hard. I was thinking, I have to wait another year and just hope that this magic program is going to make this better?” says Melissa. “But I promised to wait it out and stick with him as long as he was making a good-faith effort in the program.”
Melissa’s uncertainty about whether David could get better is understandable. Once a batterer, always a batterer is a pervasive myth about domestic abuse. “It’s easy to say they are all mean, angry, aggressive guys. But that’s not really who gets referred to us [for treatment],” Varney says. “They are perfectly nice, pleasant people in other environments. They just sometimes have these pressures to be in charge of everything and everyone, particularly in their homes. The men we see could be anyone you see on the street. Anyone.”
Hanusa is also a senior lecturer at the UW-Madison School of Social Work. As part of his family violence course, he frequently brings in recovering abusers to talk about their experiences.
After a recent session, he says his students shared how they had previously thought of abusers as monsters. “Now those are future social workers. What do you think the image is out there in greater America? It’s that these guys are assholes, jerks, unredeemable and they are not fixable. That’s why it’s so important for us to see that [abusers] are real humans. They’ve suffered too. And they can get better.”
The perception that abusers cannot change is one of the challenges facing those behind the upcoming media campaign. So is the question of whether batterers treatment is worth the investment of time and energy. It’s an ethical question that Hrubesky has pondered for years. She notes that there are lots of flyers in women’s restrooms about where victims can get help, but nothing in men’s restrooms for abusers.
The campaign must convince abusers that it’s okay to seek help and make it easy to find it.
Carolyn Fath
“Most men get there if they stay in treatment.” — Teri Varney
“There’s such a stigma associated with being a batterer. Who’s going to voluntarily identify with that?” says Varney. “We can’t focus on slapping a label on people. Rather, the message needs to be your family is hurting. You’re hurting. You don’t like the way you feel when you do this. We can offer you skills and help so you can have a healthier and happier family.”
Hanusa says most of the men he works with know the abuse they are inflicting is wrong.
“What keeps abusers out of treatment? Fear,” says Hanusa. “They may not know that they need help. They frequently don’t know where to go for help. And they’re afraid. But once you get them through the denial they’ll say, ‘I knew what I was doing. I just didn’t know what else to do.’”
Behavioral therapy for domestic abusers is no quick fix. Batterers treatment programs typically consist of weekly group therapy sessions that run several hours. There’s a significant amount of homework assigned, too. The programs range from nine months to more than a year after an initial assessment period that can take weeks.
“This work takes time because you’re changing not only behaviors, you’re changing attitudes,” says Hanusa. “It can involve changing men’s entire conception of what it means to be in an equal relationship and how to treat women.”
The curriculum developed by Hanusa teaches domestic violence perpetrators to recognize and take responsibility for abusive behavior. Conflict-resolution skills, de-escalation techniques as well as noncontrolling behavior alternatives are taught to break patterns. Throughout the therapy, there are lessons on a host of topics that contribute to domestic violence.
“We are dealing with a lot of issues: Impulsive behavior. Attitudes about women. Male privilege. Masculinity traps. We talk about sexual abuse, jealousy, parenting and the difference between healthy and unhealthy dependence,” says Hanusa. “We have to resocialize these men.”
Like many abusers, David was also struggling with mental illness. During the treatment program, he learned that he was justifying his abuse with his bipolar disorder.
“There are a lot of ways to minimize behavior. For me in particular, there was a lot of putting it on the bipolar disorder. Like, that wasn’t me. I was in a manic state or depressed and so that’s what prompted the [abuse],” says David. “But later in the program, I learned that wasn’t the case at all. I chose to do those things. Like Darald [Hanusa] says, ‘You don’t lose control, you choose control.”
Crimes associated with the domestic violence represent half of the caseload of the Deferred Prosecution Unit. Hrubesky says “one of the joys of the job” is witnessing how people can change. More than 300 men charged with domestic abuse are referred to the unit each year. In exchange for pleading guilty and complying with a strict contract — which usually requires completion of a treatment program in domestic abuse cases — the district attorney agrees to dismiss or amend the charges.
“When people are afforded an opportunity to find out there’s a different way to do things, it’s pretty amazing,” says Hrubesky. “There’s no other word for it but life-changing.”
The numbers bear this out: the deferred prosecution program has a low recidivism rate for offenders who successfully complete the process.
Currently, many of the referrals to treatment providers are part of deferred prosecution agreements or court-ordered. Family Service Madison runs the largest program in the area, and around 75 men complete its Alternatives to Aggression class annually. The Midwest Center Domestic Violence Resource serves about 50 men a year.
The goal of the upcoming outreach campaign is to get more men into batterer intervention programs before they are charged with a crime. “We have thousands of households where abuse is taking place,” says Hanusa. “The campaign is about reaching those men whom we may never see otherwise.”
“We can’t depend on law enforcement to fix this problem for us,” he adds. “It’s much bigger than that. We have to reach out in a way that helps men before they get into the criminal justice system.”
The campaign will break new ground. The group looked for others nationally it could use as a model, Hanusa says. They couldn’t find any. That reflects attitudes surrounding domestic violence.
“It’s hard to get support for the batterers,” says Hrubesky. “One of the reasons why there’s been some reluctance is resources. We don’t want to be generating campaigns that take away from victim resources in any way.”
Shannon Barry, executive director of Domestic Abuse Intervention Services, works solely with domestic violence victims. She says when it comes to ending abuse, services for victims and abusers can work in tandem.
“Organizations like DAIS can work with people on safety planning within relationships. And a batterers treatment piece also can play a role. People want their batterers to receive treatment so they can be safe. I don’t think I’ve ever said somebody is incurable,” says Barry, who is quick to add that changing behaviors is no easy task. “What I have heard over the years is that batterers treatment can particularly help with physical and sexual violence. But some of the emotional abuse may be more difficult to unpack and help people work through.”
Hanusa says all the local treatment providers need to understand what persuades abusive men to seek help as the campaign group works to craft a distinct media message.
“In this ad campaign, we somehow have to use slogans and put out information that helps frame the problem,” says Hanusa. “Not only do men who batter not understand what domestic violence is, often their partners don’t either.”
To spread the campaign’s message, TV ads, radio spots and bus billboards are being considered. The group has also reached out to 100 state, a coworking space in downtown Madison, to see whether the entrepreneurial group can collaborate on social media messaging.
Members of the subcommittee are also exploring how to fund the campaign. One idea is applying for a grant with the National Institutes of Health.
Crucial to the effort will be determining how best to connect men to treatment providers. The United Way of Dane County has expressed interest in acting as a clearinghouse via its 211 system.
“Before we launch the campaign, we want to get a baseline from United Way on how many typically call to ask about programs for men who batter,” says Hanusa. “Then we’ll implement the project and find out what happens. Is there an increase in calls from men? How many women call with inquiries. That kind of data.”
Hanusa says eight of 10 men who start his program complete it. Family Service Madison reports similar statistics. Data on the outcomes of abusers who don’t finish treatment is difficult to obtain. But there is hope for men who stick with it. Of the men in Family Service Madison’s program in 2015, only one was re-arrested for domestic abuse.
“It’s about finding the motivation to change,” says Varney. “Most men get there if they stay in treatment.”
But there are also some men who just become more adept batterers, says Hrubesky.
“Those are the folks we need to focus on protecting the community from by confining them or putting as much control on them as we possibly can,” says Hrubesky. “Gratefully, we don’t see many of those.”
After Mitch finishes his program later this year, he is leaving Wisconsin to rejoin his wife, Sarah. This summer, he was there for the birth of their daughter and has visited several times.
“I’ve begun to regain Sarah’s trust. Our communication is a lot better. It’s easier for me to express emotions in a noncontrolling, nonabusive way. Sarah has commented on how much I’ve changed and is very supportive of the tools I’ve learned in class” says Mitch. “I do want to continue to see a domestic violence counselor after I move. Just so I can go in and talk to someone if I get overwhelmed.... My daughter has been the biggest motivation to end the cycle of abuse.”
Mitch’s message to abusers is simple: “You’re not weak if you need help. It takes courage. You have to be honest with yourself and think about how your behavior is affecting others. Otherwise, it won’t get better. And it can get better.”
Meanwhile, Melissa says David’s abusive behavior seems like a distant memory. The couple got married this spring. Both have steady jobs. They recently bought a house. Life is good, and the future looks bright.
“I have this wonderful sense that, no matter what happens, we are in it together,” says Melissa. “It’s a comfort to have that part of my life all figured out.”
David says the last year has been the best of his entire life “because we have this incredible partnership.”
Melissa credits the ATAM program for “making David a better person.”
“It’s funny, I recently told a good friend of mine that I am so happy right now. She asked me why and I said, ‘We just had a huge fight,’” laughs Melissa. “It was a normal relationship argument. Nothing happened, and now it’s over. That felt like an accomplishment. It felt like, wow, we are normal people and we can have normal couple disagreements.”
She admits that it’s been a difficult journey getting there.
“We have been through hell. True hell. It wasn’t easy to trust him again. But our relationship is stronger now because of what we’ve been through,” says Melissa. “When someone asks, ‘How can you be with someone who abused you?’ I look right back at them say, ‘Because, now he doesn’t.’”
RESOURCES
Domestic Abuse Intervention Services (DAIS)
608-251-4445 (24-hour crisis or help line)
Services: Crisis intervention and counseling
Support groups for victims — women
Lake City Counseling
608-661-2829
Services: Motivating Effective Non-Violence (MEN’S)
Family Service Madison
608-252-1320
Services: Alternatives to Aggression
Abuse Prevention Group for Women
Women Survivors of Domestic Abuse
Midwest Domestic Violence Resource Center
608-231-3300
Services: Alternatives and Treatment for Abusive Men (ATAM)
Survivor services
