Dear Tell All: Your advice to Helicopter-ish Parent was disgraceful (“Terrified of Leaving for College,” 8/13/2018). Her son is freaking out over leaving Madison for his freshman year at an eastern college — which means he needs compassion and therapy. He doesn’t need to hear you say the equivalent of “suck it up.”
Rather than forcing her son to go through with his decision, as you advised, Helicopter-ish Parent should listen carefully to his needs. If he wants to skip college and stay in Madison for a coding job, what’s the harm? Either he’ll love it and decide he doesn’t need college, or he’ll tire of it and proceed to college later with true enthusiasm. What does a deposit and the price of plane tickets matter when a young man’s mental health is at stake?
Empath
Dear Empath: I’ve received a fair amount of blowback for my answer to Helicopter-ish Parent. Like you, these commenters think I’m misguided in suggesting that her son go through with his first semester of college. I’ve searched my soul and taken your comments to heart…and still believe my advice is sound.
You and other commenters assume that this kid is psychologically unfit for college. But there’s scant evidence of that in his mom’s letter. True, she describes him as having “deep-seated social anxiety” and being “introverted,” but those descriptors apply to a vast number of freshmen — many of whom come out of their shells and have a wonderful time at college. If she considered her son mentally ill, I’m sure the idea of skipping college would have been a no-brainer. Instead, she’s agonizing over it.
I don’t disagree that therapy might be helpful, but Helicopter-ish Parent wasn’t asking whether she should send her son to a therapist. Given her intense sensitivity to his needs, I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s already done that. No, she was asking if she should send him to college as planned or let him give in to his fears at the last minute to pursue the coding job. She realizes there’s a lot at stake, wondering what he might miss by skipping school. That means she acknowledges a strong possibility of his having a good experience there.
Even her son must have acknowledged the possibility of a good experience at some point — namely, the time when he applied to the school out east and the time he decided to enroll. There’s no mention of his being coerced into those actions.
A final piece of the puzzle is the letter writer’s signature. She admits to being a Helicopter-ish Parent, suggesting a tendency to excessively fret about her son’s well-being.
Putting all this together, I feel confident in advising this worried parent to overcome her fears and to coach her son into overcoming his. As I said, they can revisit the issue after the first semester or the first year, so it’s not like this is a life sentence with no possibility of parole.
Empath, I’d ask you and other commenters the same question I asked Helicopter-ish Parent: What message would you be sending this young man if you told him to give in to fear and bail out at the last minute?
Do you have a question about life or love in Madison?
Write Tell All, 100 State St., Madison, WI 53703. Or email tell all@isthmus.com.
